As a fashionable young lady, I have certain expectations when it comes to my life. I have fashionable clothing, a modish apartment, a cat that is simply très chic, and a rather dashing twitter background. When it comes to video games, I expect that my virtual avatars be just as en mode as I am. Now I know that it’s too much to ask for to have Miu Miu breastplates, Gaultier hauberks and Jimmy Choo greaves, but sometimes I feel like – give me a break! Ladies, if you can’t stand spending hours as a dowdy or utterly outré leading lady, let me take the guesswork out of your next gaming purchase.
First up, a staple of nostalgic Generation Y’ers – Pokémon!
Now I’ll admit, not to toot my own horn, but I’m a bit of a Pokémaster. As soon as Pokemon Black was released, I trotted out in my Ferragamo booties to pick up a shiny new copy. You can imagine, however, the look of consternation on my face as soon as I started it up and discovered that, for the whole of the game, this was to be me:
Well, er, howdy y’all!
Now I know we’re in a recession, but do “I” really have to look like I woke up on the wrong side of the trailer park? Where on earth do I even start?
My eyes cannot seem to peel themselves away from that mangled abomination that barely covers her, ahem, lady area. I can hardly call those “cut-offs” since they look more like they were exploded from a pair of pants, rather than cut. Girl, if I can see the lining of your pockets poking out – your shorts are past the point of human decency.
Next – what is with the black wristbands? Either she raided the Hot Topic section of her local Pokémart, or she’s afraid of getting sweaty wrists when she’s throwing Pokéballs. Fashionable? Non! Necessary? I think not!
And – a white t-shirt? True, it is a wardrobe staple – but not when you’re going off to live in the wilderness for a few days months years. I shudder to think of the Pokédirt, Pokéslobber, and Pokésweat that’ll be coating this unfortunate bit of fabric by the end of the first hour. No one wants to challenge their first gym leader with yellowing pit stains! Not that I sweat, or ever find myself outside – but the mere thought of it is making me shiver in my silk Chanel pyjamas.
The bag and hat I can write off to functionality and some sort of youthful exuberance, but my eye twitch returns as soon as I hit those honking combat boots and black socks. Whoa there, GI Jane, what do you think you’ll be stomping around on? Landmines? I think I nice pair of moccasins (very chic for the fall) or some vintage Puma trainers would be perfectly adequate, and much more fashionable.
Sigh. Young lady – toss the shirt, the shorts and the vest. Replace with a pair of YSL jodhpurs (so fun! so fashionable!), a colourful tee with blouson (in case it gets cold!), and a sturdy, but soft pair of suede moccaboots and voila! I’m no longer embarrassed to be seen, and I’m the envy of all the cookie cutter NPCs in the land!
Now don’t even get me started on her best friend…
Au revoir for now!