Author Archives: AA

The Pitch Vs. Friday…

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“Mr. Bale! Come in, please, come in…have a seat…Did I tell you how much I loved Terminator? Sure I did. Please! Sit down! So, here’s the pitch:

Your potential co-star, Amy Adams, is alone at home. Her husband is a cop and works long hours. She is tormented, wandering in the dark corners of her mind while faced with cold solitude. It’s a psychological narrative, you know? Some really smart shit. Chris Nolan wrote that part. Anyway, she begins to have a panic attack and needs a glass of water but OH NO! – - her taps aren’t working….Why could that be?”

“Okay. Why?”

“Glad you asked, Mr. Bale! Did I tell you how much I loved Terminator? Anyway! She doesn’t know WHAT to do. She’s sweating with the stress of it all, and we can see it because she’s in a rather revealing night gown/lingerie thing. Anyway! There’s a DING noise (it’s the doorbell). She answers and in comes you, our HERO: The plumber!”

“What?”

“Anyway! She invites you in and you inspect the the sink. It’s complicated, confusing, and it’s also dark under that sink. You get hella-sweaty too, so you unzip your over-alls. You tell her that you don’t have the tool to fix the problem, and she, (noticing your sweat same as hers) offers you a glass of water – - you both realise you can’t have one and laugh hysterically. HYSTERICALLY. Now…Christian-”

“-Mr. Bale.”

“Mr. Bale (did I tell you how much I loved Term..) Anyway! You announce that you remember you have JUST the tool for this situation, and you take off the rest of your over-alls to reveal you’re naked. We’re thinking it will be a vulnerable, and really loving sex scene. Very tasteful. Very tasteful. Full of taste.”

“Er-”

“YEAH – But then there’s a KNOCK at the door! Okay? So-so-so there’s like, the NEXT star in the show: Colin Ferrel, and he is PISSED – you can tell because he just kicked in the door - I mean it is in PIECES and he’s all like ‘Did somebody order a fuckin’ pizza??’ “-

“Can I interru-?”

“Absolutely! How could she forget? She ALWAYS orders a pizza that day of the week (I’m thinking Wednesday, but a producer might change that). This is where we cue the Danny Elfman score, you know? something to make it seem all mischievous and playful.

They’re all in the kitchen where the sink is still not working and she offers a piece of pizza to both the men, but YOU don’t want a piece because it doesn’t have any SAUSAGE-”

“Okay, that’s enou-!!”

“HOLD UP! Hold up! Because the REASON you need sausage is you have a condition, sir – you have a condition and you’re going to DIE – that’s a sure Academy award: a dying person? Right up there with handicap war vet and retard with a special “thing”, you know?”

“I’m leaving-”

“Sit DOWN!!!! Mr. Bale, sit DOWN! Don’t you wanna work with the great Colin Ferrel? Don’t you wanna work with Amy Adams? Didn’t I tell you how much I fucking LOVED Terminator? Just hear me out-okay-he’s gone….”

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It’s Friday: enjoy your weekend!